Scientific studies have proven that specific 36 questions – taking about 45 minutes to go through – are all you need to create a deep bond or spark a relationship with anyone, random strangers included.
Call me sceptic, but I have doubts.
The man behind the study is social psychology researcher Arthur Aron – seconded by his wife Elaine Aron – of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in New York. In 1997, he published “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 
The conclusion of his paper were clear: in less than an hour and if truthfully answered, those 36 questions almost always make two people feel closer to each other and want stay in contact. It took them 50 years to develop these key questions that would unlock the door towards intimacy and attraction. Their worked in a lab to recreate the sense of closeness, and the result could be assimilated to the accelerated connection and intimacy that may occur between strangers in close quarters, like a train or airplane.
Now, I do not question the validity of their research and its results. To the contrary, I love the idea of better togetherness with others. This is in tune with my belief in positive thinking. My doubts are on the practical side of applying this research to everyday life and to ‘anyone’. Yes, 36 questions in 45 minutes sound easy enough, but the right attitude and circumstances are essential. If asked to friends and family, these questions will deepen the ties. On a date, the premises is already that you want to get to know the other person.
However, on other occasions, the two people involved must want to create this bond in the first place. On both sides, they should also be willing take the time to ask those questions. I suspect most of us would not take the time if approached in the street or a bar, except, maybe, if there is physical attraction already…
The same goes in a plane, train, or waiting room: most of us are busy with our electronic devices, books and magazines. Hence my early scepticism: between strangers the questions will only work if asked, and they will only be asked if the protagonists have already an interest in creating a bond. So another question springs to mind, what caused this interest first?
All misgivings aside, I like the spirit and am also curious. So I will certainly try to ask them!
Here are the questions in order (each person take a turn answering each question)
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a perfect day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in this room feeling…”
- Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Bonus questions and variations:
- If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it?
- Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?
- While on a trip to another city, your spouse/lover meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and could never otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?
